Drinking & Golf Or: The Fine Art of Managing Diminishing Returns


There are very few sweeter things than drinking on a golf course. Packing cold beers into the big side pocket on your golf bag, makes grown men feel like little kids. Maybe it’s the rule breaking, knowing they shouldn’t sneak beer onto the course, or just the fact that somehow having a 8:30 tee time, its still socially acceptable to crack a cold one on the second tee box.

Whether or not you sneak your beers onto the course, there is little doubt that alcohol effects everyone’s game uniquely. Most of us could probably benefit from a shot of the strong stuff to knock down the first tee jitters. The first one does that almost universally. The first drink loosens up the muscles without too much of an effect on concentration or body mechanics. It also does a wonderful job of softening the blow of the lost ball, (How much does each Pro V1 cost again?) The arms are limber, spirits are high, and the mind is sharp as a tack.

This next part varies for most of us, but the general formula is the same. One drink turns into a couple more, and now we are officially in the Goldilocks zone. We are funny. We are still hitting the ball well, sometimes better than normal. We’ve got enough liquid courage to hit the driver you said was staying in the bag all day no matter what. Holy shit it went straight! From now on I am only playing drunk. Oh! And perfect timing here comes the cart girl. I wonder if she’s heard the one about the Mexican donkey that was sent to the bachelor party instead of a stripper…

As the saying goes, it’s all down hill from here. Par 5s turn into wastelands where we languish in the sun. Our body moves heavily and our coordination and grace that we had on hole 4 is all but forgotten. As the hole wraps up your buddy asks you what you got. The question seems almost absurd in it’s complexity. Well the drive was 1… 2 in the woods, 3 out, 4 duff, 5 duff, 6 on 7 miss and 8 in. Put me down for a 6. A quick sideways glance from your partner as he puts down the 6, and you notice him scribbling something else. Is that an asterisk!?

The last few holes the scorecard is tossed aside. Perhaps a large penis is drawn where your opponents name should be. Scores numbers are replaced by stars, smiley faces, question marks and symbols that seemed important at the time. Your beer is gone and so are all the “good” golf balls in your bag. You are now hitting Top Flites that normally would seem hard as a rock. That doesn’t bother you right now. Nothing could bother you right now.

Well that’s it. The round is over, time to destroy all the evidence and toss those empties in plain sight Pro Shop Manager, greenskeeper and the Judge Smails looking guy. They all give you dirty looks and shake their head at you. You try to say something funny “Beats a bad day at the office fellas! See ya next time!”  They are not amused.

You switch shoes and toss your clubs into the trunk. Toss a few loose tees in there as well. As you empty your pockets you feel something. The scorecard, let’s have a look. Great round! Two hearts, three clovers and a star. Must be the lucky charms.


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